i'm not ready to die


At a certain point in my life I somehow realized it wasn’t totally safe to trust you, still I kept holding to some sort of feeling, I didn’t love you with all those letters but I couldn’t stop myself from falling for you a bit everyday. I cared for you in such a strong stupid way that no matter how blue I was I’d still smile to you just to watch you smile me back! And as time went by I continue to smile, I also cried and moaned, I left my heart take control of the situation and it became in someway pleasantly unbearable… So my head stoop up and I started thinking maybe you didn’t deserve me and as my self esteem build up I still felt like I deserved you!

You see, I had already given so much of me to that situation, to you, I invested so much time and so many energy in everything you put me through that it just didn’t seem fair to have to walk away with nothing… So I kept my feelings for myself and decided to enjoy those five minutes of happiness, I mean, why jeopardize an instant of good vibes for a life of misery? Along the way I learnt I’m the only one who can destroy myself and if I choose to live with an iced heart in order to experience life, the consequences will come only if I allow it!

The time we spent together wasn’t much, honestly, but it was hurtfully good. I can’t put in words how and what you made me feel because I don’t believe there are as many words as I could possibly need, and the saddest part is those would not all be words of joy… I shed so many tears, yet I think I’d still do it all over again… You know, there are some inexplicable things in our world and the way we function together is one of them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love you, no… Love you would be like drinking poison, and I’m sorry darling, but I’m not ready to die!

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